Anyone who's ever been around any preschool children knows exactly what I'm talking about. We tell her to sit down so we can put on her shoes and she runs and hides behind a chair and smiles at us. We say "let's take a bath" and she screams that she doesn't want to take a bath. We finally get her in the tub and then she cries when it's time to get out because she doesn't want to do that either, she wants to stay in the bath! Every single time she washes her hands, she pulls the hand towel completely off the towel holder, wipes her hands and throws the towel on the floor. Etc, etc...
As an aside, I read somewhere once that you should say yes to your kids as much as you can because you want it to mean something when you say no. I think that is pretty close to our parenting philosophy whether we are doing it on purpose or not. If Esme wants to go outside with a turtle neck on in July, I let her. When she figures out later that she's hot, we change. Same thing in the winter. If she wants to go in the back yard without a coat on when it's 20 degrees out, we let her. In 37 seconds, she realizes we're not so dumb and asks for her coat. I'm not afraid of a messy house (those of you who have been in my house know this!), we play with things that are messy. I let her put the flour in the measuring cup even if half of it ends up on the floor. Floors can be cleaned.
Lately though, if she doesn't get her way, the normal whining leads to crying which leads to sobbing which ends in uglier and uglier behavior.
We've (I'm including Aaron on this) been struggling with how to handle this. Time outs are definitely happening at our house. There are threats of losing privileges or toys or staying home from events with friends and family. But she continues to push and push.
This week we were invited to a birthday party for one of Esme's friends. It was Esme's first "friend" birthday party. She had a such great time! She played and played with the kids. They made little homemade pizzas, rolled out the dough, put toppings on. So. Much. Fun. She ate really well and was having a great time. Until she had to use the bathroom.
We went into the bathroom and when it was time to wash her hands she wanted to grab the hand towel off the rack. I knew the next thing she would do was throw it on the floor. So I tried to stop her from pulling it down. She said she couldn't reach it where it was. I told her she could in fact reach it. Soon she was a puddle, crying/sobbing that she couldn't reach it. I don't know what made that moment "that moment", but I spanked her butt. One solid spank. Was she in danger? No. Was she throwing a tantrum? No. Was I feeling particularly short fused? No, in fact I was not stressed at all. Of course the next thing out of her mouth was "ouwee Mommy!" and much more crying. I got her calmed down and she finally wiped her hands. I hung the towel back up. We walked out of the bathroom and the other moms were understandably looking at
I was embarrassed. Why hadn't I just let her wipe her hands and then put the towel back on the towel bar? I wanted to go home immediately. I told Esme it was time to go (which it really was). I carried her to the entry way to put on her shoes. She tucked her feet under her butt and there was no way she was going to let me put her shoes on. In her defense, she's always done better with a 5 minute warning when we leave somewhere. So I told her that we were going to leave in 5 minutes and that I didn't want to hear any arguments when that time came. She went back and played and I helped clean up the kitchen.
When it was time to go she put on her shoes nicely and said "Happy Birthday" to the birthday girl and "Thank you" to the mom. She was perfectly fine on the way home, talking about how fun the party was and how she liked playing with all the kids. I cried the whole way home. When we got home I cried some more. I was surprised at how much it bothered me. That night I went over and over what went wrong.
Even now, a few days later, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure why it is/was so upsetting to me. I was spanked occasionally as a kid and I'm not a mass murderer or violent person. Esme's had little swats here and there in the past, but not real spankings. I'm sure other kids get spanked from time to time- maybe even some of the kids at the party.
I think it's because I don't want the other moms to think I'm a bad mom. I'm embarrassed that I wasn't creative enough to come up with another option besides spanking. When Esme starts getting too many time outs, I take it as a sign that I'm not doing a good enough job of redirecting her or explaining her boundaries. What does it mean when I didn't even think to give her a time out and just went straight to a smack on the butt??? Especially when she wasn't being terrible, she was just being 3. Am I a horrible mom? I really don't think so. Will Esme even remember it? I'm sure she will for awhile. But she's not treating me any differently. She's not shying away from me. Did the other moms talk about it after we left? About how I spanked her for such a simple thing? Will we be invited to another event? Is it the end of the world if we're not?
I don't know the answers to all of the questions that keep running though my head. But here is what I do know:
- I feel terrible for spanking her. It will not be a part of my every day parenting technique. I'm not of the mindset that ALL spankings are ALL bad. I do think there are times and places for them. But for now, they are off limits to me. It did not help the situation and it probably made it worse.
- I do know that I'm a good mom and that no one loves Esme more than I do.
- I know that I will do my best to protect her from the world and make her happy.
- I will continue to work on finding creative ways to steer her behavior.
- I also know that I'm not perfect. I will probably make parenting or discipline mistakes again.
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